A Kiss on a Tain
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FOUR strangers traveled together in the same compartment of a European train. Two men and two women faced each other. One woman was a very wealthy and sophisticated 75 year old lady who was decked out in the finest of furs and jewelry.
Next to her sat a beautiful young woman, nineteen years old, who looked like something right off the cover of a fashion magazine.
Across from the older lady was a man in his late-forties who was a highly decorated Sergeant Major in the Army. And next to the Sergeant Major sat a young private fresh out of boot camp.
As these four strangers traveled, they talked and chatted about trivial things until they entered an unlighted tunnel, and there they sat in complete darkness and total silence, until the sound of a distinct kiss broke the silence; following the kiss a loud slap could be heard throughout the cabin.
In the ensuing period of silence the four strangers sat quietly with their own thoughts.
The older lady was thinking, "Isn't it wonderful that even in this permissive day and age there are still young women who have a little self-respect and dignity?"
The young woman, shaking her head and greatly puzzled, asked herself, "Why in the world would any man in his right mind want to kiss an old fossil like that when I'm sitting here?"
The Sergeant Major, rubbing his sore face, was outraged that any woman could ever think that a man in his position would try to sneak a kiss in the dark.
And the private, grinning from ear to ear, was thinking, "What a crazy and mixed up world this is when a private can kiss the back of his hand and then smack a Sergeant Major in the face and get away with it
Old Butch
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John the farmer was in the fertilized egg business. He had several hundred young egg-laying hens called pullets and eight or ten roosters, whose job was to fertilize the eggs. The farmer kept records and any rooster that didn't perform went into the soup pot and was replaced. That took an awful lot of his time so he bought a set of tiny bells and attached them to his roosters. Each bell had a different tone so John could tell from a distance, which rooster was performing. Now he could sit on the porch and fill out efficiency ACA report simply by listening to the bells.
The farmer’s favourite rooster was Old Butch, a very fine specimen he was, too. But on this particular morning John noticed old Butch's bell hadn't rung at all! John went to investigate. The other roosters were chasing pullets, bells-a-ringing. The pullets, hearing the roosters coming, would run for cover.
BUT, to Farmer John's amazement, Butch had his bell in his beak, so it couldn't ring. He'd sneak up on a pullet, do his job and walk on to the next one. John was so proud of Butch, he entered him in the county fair... and Butch became an overnight sensation among the judges.
The result...
The judges not only awarded Butch the "No Bell Piece Prize" but they also awarded him the "Pulletsurprise" as well.
Clearly Butch was a Politician in the making. Who else could figure out how to win two of the most highly coveted awards on our planet by being the best at sneaking up on the populace and screwing them when they weren't paying attention?
Dear Napisan
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Dear Napisan,
I'm writing to say what an excellent product you have! I've used it since the beginning of my married life, when my Mum told me it was the best. Now that I am older and going through menopause, I find it even better!
In fact, about a month ago, I spilled some red wine on my new white blouse. My unfeeling and uncaring husband started to berate me about how clumsy I was and generally started becoming a pain in the neck.
One thing led to another and I ended up with a lot of his blood on my white blouse. I tried to get the stain out using a bargain detergent, but it just wouldn't come out. After a quick trip to the supermarket, I purchased a bottle of liquid Napisan with bleach alternative, and to my surprise and
satisfaction, all of the stains came out!
In fact, the stains came out so well, that when the detectives who came by yesterday told me that the DNA tests on my blouse were negative and then my attorney called and said that I would no longer be considered a suspect in the disappearance of my husband. What a relief I thank you, once again, for having such a great product.
Well, gotta go. I have to write a letter to the Glad Bag people...
Signed,
A Relieved Menopausal Wife
Ouch!
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The General is visiting the Infirmary one day and comes across a ward of 3 young men.
"And what is your problem son?" he asks.
"Tinea, Sir"
"The Treatment?"
"Stiff Bristle Brush in the morning, Sir!"
"Your aspiration?"
"To Return to my Unit ASAP, Sir!"
"Good Man".
Then to the next young one, "And what is your problem son?" he asks.
"Haemorrhoids, Sir"
“The Treatment?"
"Stiff Bristle Brush in the morning, Sir!"
"Your aspiration?"
"To Return to my Unit ASAP, Sir!"
"Good Man".
And as he turns to the last young fellow to ask his question, the answer comes back,
"Strep Throat, Sir!"
"The Treatment?"
"Stiff Bristle Brush in the morning, Sir!"
"Your aspiration?"
"To be first in the morning with the Stiff Bristle Brush, Sir!!!!!
Nursing Thoughts
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And they say our health service is still in good condition and we should be confident in hospital care.
Actual writings on major regional hospital charts:
1. The patient refused autopsy.
2. The patient has no previous history of suicides.
3. Patient has left white blood cells at another hospital.
4. Patient’s medical history has been remarkably insignificant with only a 40 pound weight gain in the past three days.
5. She has no rigours or shaking chills, but her husband states she was very hot in bed last night.
6. Patient has chest pain if she lies on her left side for over a year.
7. On the second day the knee was better, and on the third day it disappeared.
8. The patient is tearful and crying constantly. She also appears to be depressed.
9. The patient had been depressed since she began seeing me in 1993.
10. Discharge status: Alive but without my permission.
11. Healthy appearing decrepit 69 year old male, mentally alert but forgetful.
12. Patient had waffles for breakfast and anorexia for lunch.
13. She is numb from her toes down.
14. While in ER, she was examined, X-rated and sent home.
15. The skin was moist and dry.
16. Occasional, constant infrequent headaches.
17. Patient was alert and unresponsive.
18. Rectal examination revealed a normal size thyroid.
19. She stated that she had been constipated for most of her life, until she got a divorce.
20. I saw your patient today, who is still under our car for physical therapy.
21. Both breasts are equal and reactive to light and accommodation.
22. Examination of genitalia reveals that he is circus sized.
23. The lab test indicated abnormal lover function.
24. Skin: somewhat pale but present.
25. The pelvic exam will be done later on the floor.
26. Patient fell over large brown stool ambulating in the hall.
27. Patient has two teenage children, but no other abnormalities.
Observations
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- Everyone has a photographic memory. Some don’t have film.
- The 50-50-90 rule: Anytime you have a 50-50 chance of getting it right, there’s a 90% probability you will get it wrong.
- Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.
- He who laughs last, thinks slowest.
- A day without sunshine is like, well, night.
- Change is inevitable, except from a vending machine.
Military Firends
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CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Get upset if you're too busy to talk to them for a week.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Are glad to see you after years, and will happily
carry on the same conversation you were having last time you met.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Never ask for food.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Are the reason you have no food.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Call your parents Mr. And Mrs.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Call your parents mom and dad.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Bail you out of jail and tell you what you did was wrong.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Would be sitting next to you saying, "Damn...we screwed up...but man that was fun!"
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Have never seen you cry.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Cry with you.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Borrow your stuff for a few days then give it back.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Keep your stuff so long they forget it's yours.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Know a few things about you.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Could write a book with direct quotes from you.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will leave you behind if that's what the crowd is doing.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Will kick the whole crowds' ass that left you behind.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Would knock on your door.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Walk right in and say, "I'm home!"
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Have shared a few experiences...
MILITARY FRIENDS: Have shared a lifetime of experiences no Civilian could ever dream of...
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will take your drink away when they think you've had enough.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Will look at you stumbling all over the place and say, "You better drink the rest of that, you know we don't waste...that's alcohol abuse!!" Then carry you home safely and put you to bed...
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Will talk crap to the person who talks crap about you.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Will knock them the hell out for using your name in vain.
CIVILIAN FRIENDS: Are for a while.
MILITARY FRIENDS: Are for life.